I have never been a patient person. I alway admire resilient people - the people who persist to do things whatever happens, whichever difficulity and obviously all boring stuffs. I have never been that kind of person.
I read the beginning of some books, then it just becomes so boring, to the point that I abandon it. Then I read the end of the book. Sometime, if I'm fortunate enough, I am so into the book that I come back and read the rest of it. Sometimes, these stories are just abandoned forever.
At the moment, I don't think it's a problem at all. I can be me like this, doing thing my own way. Reading the book whatever order
At the moment, I really think that I lack some kind of emotions. Or at least, they way I feel is so different from the others.
The emotions that I often feel is getting bored, angry, irritated, upset, worry, nervous and sometimes some positive one like peaceful, warm, enjoyable with the scences, excited by ideas, some mediation things. Mostly I feel nothing, I just like a machine reacting to others' actions, bothred how I should treat them. I was scared.
I kind of feel sad as well, but I was long forgotten it. It sometimes reminds me of the self I want to bury. Innocent one, I guess. An ugly child who felt so lonely and think that she doesn't belong to the world. She was thinking she's strong. Not at all. Poor child. Now I understand the world more. Maybe 10 or 20 years later, I'll say to myself: poor the child. The child is just a child but always have to behave as an adult. Tiring.
Sometime I let me imagine a lot of things, that could excite me, but it leads to dissappointment as well, when expectation doesn't meet the reality. Then, I learn to constrain my imagination. I just cannot win the feeling of boring. I can get bored randomly. Haha, I read it somewhere it's common among intelligent people. I can be sure that I'm not that intelligent, I'm not someone who can come with innovative solution. Irony, what' s a curse.
I could be very happy, thinking about an interesting pop out in my mind. I get excited waiting myself to try it. Several moments later, I am overwhelmed by the feeling of bored.
Yesterday's evening, I open the door of an apartment. It's in third floor. I want to jump out of the window. I imagined myself laid on the ground, meat and blood. The urge was not so intense, but I was thinking how many people would think so and the feeling was so intense that they actually performe the job. Suddenly, no warning. I closed the door and force myself thinking about something else.
I don't have enough words to express what I think. Especially when I have to say them right away. I just mumble something stupid, I just laugh the way I don't want to. Actually, I just want to stay quiet. I just want my mind to rest.
I asked several friends that whichever they choose 1. Live only in next 5 minutes. 2. Live forever and cannot die.
I think that now I will choose the first. I'm tired. Sometimes I think I want to learn more, I want to feel more, I want to do more. But now I just want to rest. Nothing has any meaning. It's the truth that nobody (want to) believe. Even me. But it's just a truth. I'm tired. I'm going to loose my temper. That's why I wrote these thing down. I can only save my remaning life by: 1. Write down 2. Learn.
Lucas tin vào tử vi. Lucas là ông anh tui quen qua Goodreads, chưa từng gặp, thi thoảng đọc blog của ổng. Hồi nhỏ hơn, tôi từng thích tử vi, và rồi từng ghét. Vì tôi cảm thấy việc số phận định sẵn là một điều tồi tệ, vậy sống để làm gì? Khi mọi chuyện đã định sẵn và tất cả nằm ngoài sự kiểm soát của mình? Tôi luôn sợ rằng tôi không thể làm gì cả, nên tôi từ bỏ, tôi phủ nhận, và tôi lờ tịt nó đi. Rồi tui đọc Osho, ổng bảo rằng hãy coi mình là một diễn viên đóng vai diễn cuộc đời mình. Và chỉ cần đóng thật tốt và enjoy vai diễn là được. Tôi cảm thấy nhẹ nhàng hơn, bất chấp định mệnh là có thật hay không ...
